The only thing more important than making a good entrance is not getting too drunk at the party. And making a good exit is a close second.

Wanna play some penultimate? This week's news: lowbrow (but not no-brow) and home ownership are in, braces are not yet out, and in America, all the idols are above average.

The joke's on us, but is that something to be proud of? Regardless, here's some advice for coping with squirrels, ornery customers, and mating season.

In like a lion, out like a call-girl-review website. Or is it the other way around? Anyway, here's everything you every wanted to know about health savings accounts, life in London, and octopus mouths. Yum.

Lessons on living with a big, smokey, cast-iron roommate. Also discussions of the future of Google, a movie about Iraq, an unexpectedly far-fetched TV show, and, uh... socks.

Today's issue is made possible by the generosity of French Canadians, Ritalin dart guns, and the Greater Columbus Chamber of Commerce.

Professor Yeti says goodbye to 2005 with barely a look back. Except for a "best music of 2005" list. And an article about end-of-year lists. And, OK, fine: some stuff about Christmas. And Hanukkah, sort of. But that's it. Really.

After you read this issue there will be a multiple-choice quiz covering British work habits, pet fashion, and the definition of "micturate."

Perhaps the largest Yeti yet! An overflowing mug full of piping hot city planning, English-teaching tips, and rigorous tea taste-testing. Plus a side of killer dolphins.

Professor Yeti presents Hula Hooping: The Next Generation, plus investigations into practical environmentalism, interior architecture, and someting called 'hyperart'.

Professor Yeti tackles the first month of monthliness head-on, aided by the unlikely duo of Noam Chomsky and competitive eating.

A little less Professor, but a little more Jesus. Plus: what do music festivals and sandwiches have in common? They're both reviewed in this issue!

Professor Yeti discovers that if you play golf with Mario, you never have to take a rain check. Other discoveries: Google Maps is cool, it's hard to be funny, and the new Batman movie is as good as everyone says it is.

Professor Yeti presents Agoraphobia II: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back To The Market. But seriously, this issue hosts frank and honest discussions of modern architecture, somewhat less modern restaurants, and Saddam Hussein's favorite snacks.

Duct tape, how do we love thee? Join us as we count the ways. We'll also explore our relationships with tacos, barbeque, and — gasp — other people.

It's a suburb! The Twins, apparently, have a new baby sibling. Join Professor Yeti for a cigar, along with articles covering urban art, melancholy music, and fame.

Have Americans lost the ability to hang out? Why are Californians so weird? What do the residents of Shimokawa, Japan do during their annual Penis festival? Answers to all these questions, and more.

Imagine you are kidnapped by an infamous crime lord and told in Latin that you must chose between eating a handful of worms or twenty-seven pounds of Skittles. Now imagine that you just decide to read this issue instead.

Once upon a time, there was an issue of Professor Yeti. It wanted to play with other online magazines, but they didn't like the stories about humanized cars, metaphysical reviews, and vegetable politics.

We explore the side effects of keeping people healthy, keeping people informed, and keeping people fooled. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this issue.

The best-looking issue ever, thanks to another appearance by Welinda Nehru and an investigation of the ins and outs of looking good.

A visit from a red, horned man prompts discussions of sleeplessness vs. breathlessness, Kerry vs. Dean, and the names of things.

Professor Yeti defies would-be pidgeonhole-ers by tackling a smorgasbord of topics ranging from prescription drug scandals to questionable foreign policy to bubble wrap. And ice cream.

Professor Yeti would like to present an issue of great social and political import: we discuss Social Security, urban renewal, film explorations of internation relations, and what to do if you drank too much last night.

Professor Yeti prepares for a trip with Alex to the Far East. On the home front, guides for using iPods responsibly, giving college admissions interviews, and choosing your child's birthday.

The first issue of 2005! A nostalgic issue takes us back to the days of baseball cards and cooties; a Minnesota town makes some resolutions concerning Wal-Mart.

A spritely journey through boredom, travel writing, and the messiest rock concert you will ever attend. Plus, a Christmas message from Lokdar.

Three cheers for the Postal Service (the real, government-run one)! And for corporate altruism, and broadcast decency standards, and Ben Folds, and a dollhouse, and a pony, and...

The worst of times: a tale of one state, fewer airplane pillows, and a bouncing Scottish ba'. Plus a critical look at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts and a plan for changing the lives of needy CEOs everywhere.

Professor Yeti strives to burst out of its bubble with groundbreaking coverage of voting in the District, advice on scone-baking, and a critical look at #34.

Professor Yeti strives to stay on-message with a discussion of elections, political ads, and how to avoid inane conversations.

Christian music, Jewish food, and a Jazz revival. Plus a visit to the poorly-attended Church of Procrastination.

A glimpse into the private life of Professor Yeti: pondering cup holders, attending rock concerts, and googling one's self.

This issue has been banned in 14 states due to its frank and controversial treatment of several sensitive subjects: public transportation, nose jobs, and Arnold's latest film. Oh, and boobs.

A great leap backwards in transportation technology, entertainment media, and substantive politics.

A distinctly Swedish issue, though still solidly anchored in America by pizza, fungus, and the state of Nebraska.

A romp through the no-man's-lands between politics and rock, meat and vegetables, urban and suburban.

What's wrong with Texas? What's wrong with our country? What's wrong with going alone to a movie?

Professor Yeti explores issues of bigotry towards chicken, chocolate and people. And why can't rockers write good lyrics?

Ruminations on bilingualism, urban design, and a touching reunion with a long-lost form of transportation.

Explanations of why we love trains, ice cream, and watching people watch out for number one.

The hotdog questions, answered at last! Also: comics meet the web, Harry meets Sally, and a pair of commercial hucksters are up to no good.

Offering practical lessons in being a rock star, mastering the airwaves, and curtailing government spending.

Good news for people who love whales, chess, and news posing as humor.

A critical approach to breakfast, winter sports, ersatz diners, and law enforcement.

Professor Yeti tackles a wide variety of issues both foreign and domestic: Björk, Jack White, and Kofi Annan.

The wine glass hits the wall in Professor Yeti's third effort. Ghosts, electronic butterfly ballots, and a side of mythology.

Sophomoric at best. Sexy bathrooms, Iowa, and several disgruntled employees.

Professor Yeti's very first issue! Chickens in your mailbox, Howard Dean on the Internet and more.